


Out of the Shadows

by LAG0802



Category: NCIS
Genre: M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:09:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LAG0802/pseuds/LAG0802
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony comes to the realization that his time at NCIS has come to an end, before leaving he has a final confrontation with Gibbs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the Shadows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [To all the fans of MW and Tony DiNozzo](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=To+all+the+fans+of+MW+and+Tony+DiNozzo).



Author Note: _I have been a long time fan of NCIS and was deeply sadden by the news that MW will be leaving the show at the end of the season. Like many other fans, I too feel that MW has been underutilized and the character of Tony DiNozzo has not been allowed to grow and develop._

_We have seen the characters of Tim McGee grow from a very inexperienced young agent who threw up at the sight of dead bodies to become the very capable Tim McGee we see now. Ellie Bishop now in her 3 rd season has also been mentored, allowing her to grow into her position as a special agent._

_Seems for Tony and Abby, their role is to play overgrown teenagers, while both actors and characters are now in their 40’s. It would have been great to see them mature over time.   I can only assume that MW has decided to move forward with his life and career and I wish him the very best and I thank him for giving us the much beloved Tony DiNozzo, for all of his flaws, I see a complex man, who has been hurt and abused to many times in his life. As other have written before, I agree that he is the moral center of the team, he may bend the rules a little but has never crossed the line like Gibbs, Ziva and even Kate. I am not sure how the show will proceed without him. I am not sure yet if I will or will not keep watching, I think the show deserves a chance, see the direction they go in with Tony gone, but is hard, as Tony was the reason I watched and the main reason I stayed watching. The last few seasons have been hard with the destruction of Gibbs and Tony’s relationship._

_Regardless, I plan to continue writing Tony centered stories for a longtime too come, with 13 years of material and a vivid imagination, I have countless stories running around in my head, just waiting to be writing. As long as we write, Tony DiNozzo lives on._

_I am not a fan of TIVA so if that is your thing, you will not find it in my stories. I do love TIBBS, but hard to write a story that ends with the guys together at this time._

_I also like to write Tony and Tim buddy stories, I think some of the best moments in the show have been when two have been allowed to work and support each other. I also wish that Tony’s friendship with Jimmy had been allowed to grow, but that would have meant letting Tony grow too._

_I own no part of NCIS or the characters, but boy do I wish I did and I there is no financial gains from this story, only the personal joy of writing the characters as I see them._

_All errors are mine, I thank my wife for proofreading and I apologize for any mistakes that slipped through. (because no matter how much I check, a few always get by)_

 LAG

 

 

 

**Out of the Shadows**

 

 

Tony stood at his kitchen counter for what would be the last time. He stared at the items laid out before him. They represented a major part of his life for the last 15 years, reverently he picked up his NCIS cap, he had gone through a number of caps but this was his favorite. He had just gotten it perfectly broken in, when Gibbs had him use it for target practice. Putting his finger in the bullet hole, thinking of Kate, the look of shock on her face when her blackberry became part of the target made him smile. It this association with Kate that made this cap special.

It all seemed so long ago now, a different lifetime, so much had changed. He was not, where he thought he would be at this point in his life. Shaking his head he put the cap down and picked up his empty Sig Sauer P220, he’d been wearing a side arm for most of his adult life, entering the police academy right after college. He’d carried a weapon like this for the last 15 years. He had taken lives with this weapon and saved many more. Thinking back to that snowy Thanksgiving, stranded at the airport with Ellie and Jake while waiting for his father, he had shot and killed a man, a man who had already killed and who was waiting to kill again. It was not in his nature to kill, he never took a life without remorse no matter how justified except for once. Carefully setting the weapon on the counter, his hip feeling empty without the familiar weight. He wondered if he would ever have the need to carry again.

 Lastly, he picked up his badge, running his fingers over the cold, gold plated metal. He had been so proud when the Peoria Chief of Police pinned his first badge on his crisp, blue patrolman's uniform. Looking out at the smiling faces of strangers, the families of his classmates at the academy, he had pushed down feelings of disappointment and abandonment; no one was there for him, really hoping that Senior would come this one time, he had sent his father a special invitation. Senior had missed every important event in his life including his high school and college graduations and once again had more important places to be.

 Taking his feelings and burying them deep, he did as he had always done - he stood ready to face life alone. Pouring his heart and soul into his work, as he had in college, sports and the police academy he exceled as a police officer, earning the coveted gold shield of a detective at a ridiculously young age. He became great at undercover work, the years of experience hiding his feelings, letting people see only what they wanted to see, helped as he was just playing another part. Not having anyone to worry about him or for him to worry about made it easier to spend months being someone else.

 Baltimore taught him some hard lessons; he let his masks slip, trusting his partner and falling in love, only to be betrayed by a partner who was a dirty cop and a fiancé who left him at the alter. With his heart broken and his trust betrayed he met a man who offered him a promising future, a man who lived by strict rules, who was a marine and would never leave a man behind. He bought it all, every word, every unspoken promise. He gave his trust and his loyalty; he followed the man to hell and back, he had given up his own ambitions to stay by his side. His new boss was a hard taskmaster; he demanded everything Tony had to give and more.

The first couple of years were good, he felt respected and valued. He had come to the job as an experienced police officer and a good detective but he still had much to learn and he did, working as a two-man team they shared the work and the responsibilities. Tony was not a linear thinker, he was able to take random bits of information and make the connections needed to close cases. The long hours left little time for outside relationships but he didn’t care, he just wanted to spend more time with this man.

He could not say when it all started to fall apart; with the addition of other team members he was suddenly easily dismissed, he became the comic relief, diverting attention to himself, he took the brunt of Gibbs’ anger, protecting his teammates. Now he wondered why he had bothered as the jokes became more cutting and hurtful. It was worse after Kate died. The past hurts and betrayals that had stayed with him resurfaced and he hid behind his masks. In time he became a master of deception, coming to work was one big undercover assignment and even the man he thought knew him best could no longer see the real him.

The head slaps increased and so did the humiliation that came with each hit. He had always called Gibbs, Boss, both out of respect for the man and the position, but new team members called him Gibbs, placing themselves on a more equal footing and questioning his position as Senior Field Agent. Only Tim, who started as very green probie, followed his lead. He felt a hitch in his breathing as he realized he could not and would not ever refer to this man again as Boss. It was a term he had used with deep love and respect for the man, things he no longer felt, he would never again refer to anyone else as Boss.

Once he turned and walked out he would never return. This was no longer his apartment. At one time he thought of this place as his home, his sanctuary. He had kept everyone including Gibbs and the team out for years; even his infrequent dates were not welcome. His sense of privacy and security had suddenly been taken from him when he was forced to bring people in to his space, the peace he had felt here corrupted. Hell, even his own father had violated this space, rearranging furniture without permission and using his bed to have sex with the woman across the hall. Once it would have been hard to leave, but when the sanctity of this place had been broken, it was no longer his refuge, it was time to move on.

Thinking of his father, he shook his head, he was the one leaving Senior behind this time. Senior was settled in an upscale retirement community full of widows who fought to taking care of him. Still handsome and charming, the women in the building showered him with food and gifts. It had cost part of his savings for his father to maintain the illusion of a wealthy retired businessman. No matter how hard he tried, he could never fully walk away from his father, but he would not sacrifice anymore of his life and his happiness. If he had learned anything, it was that sometimes you had to put yourself first.

Feeling the piercing blue eyes of the man standing silently behind him, he knew he would not be standing here today if, what had been the most important relationship in his life had not turned sour. The visits to the ‘basement’ for heartfelt talks or quiet contemplation had stopped all together, long gone were the nights of sharing cowboy steaks and beers. He had been too blind to see it sooner, making excuses, blaming himself that he did not live up to Gibbs’ expectations, that he wasn’t as good of an agent as he had thought. The relationship with Gibbs started to mirror his relationship with his father. He craved approval and recognition from this man, not in a fatherly way, but as someone who fully appreciates the other person. In the end he got neither, he became a part of the background, only spoken to when it was necessary. His position as Senior Field Agent held in name only as Tim McGee, his former Probie became the one who had Gibbs six, who he left in the charge, who he gave the lead too. His opinions and contributions now openly dismissed, while the newest member, Ellie Bishop was held in high esteem. More and more he found himself left behind. He wondered about his role on the team.

He had a glimmer of hope that things were changing when he was asked to go on the search for Daniel Budd, it had been his place to have Gibbs six for so many years it felt right to be in that position again, but he failed, failed like he had with Paula and failed like he had with Jenny and it almost cost Gibbs his life.

His badge had worn a black band of mourning too many times but at least he did not have to wear one this time. He used all his skills to track Budd and he got him, putting an end to the terror he created recruiting kids and turning them into killers. This was one person he felt no remorse in killing. He could relate to the kids Budd recruited, he knew something of the pain the kids felt, the need to fit in somewhere, of being disappointed and abandoned by those who should love and protect you. Luckily he had found Coach at REMA, someone who believed in him and along the way he had found a purpose.

He kept the team running while Gibbs recovered from those awful wounds. When he returned there was no thank you or gratitude in those eyes, only contempt. If the last few years had been bad, he was now treated like a pariah. Gibbs only spoke to him when necessary and it was clear he was not longer welcome.

Tim McGee seemed to enjoy the change in positions, acted petty toward him, rubbing it when Gibbs left him in charge, but they had worked together for too long and Tim started to take note of what was happening and as they were paired together more frequently it felt as if their friendship had been renewed.

Bishop was astute and kind, she took his direction, look on as a mentor and seemed to see behind his masks. She did not put him down, but Gibbs looked to her more and more for answers, it was clear she was now his protégé. When the team headed out without him as happened all to often now, he’d see her turn and give him sympathetic smile.

He was never meant to play the static character in this story, but he had gotten stuck, playing a role that was not allowed to grow, to become more than what he was. He had stayed in the shadows for too long. He never realized when he came to NCIS that he would be forever linked to the gruff, functional mute of a man. He could not move forward as long as Gibbs did not and if he was stuck, Gibbs was entrenched. Abby like him, was not allowed to grow, a brilliant scientist; she still played the part of Gibbs’ little girl. Gibbs’ daughter had been frozen in time by death; Abby was stuck, as she became a stand-in. He wondered when Abby would finally be allowed to grow up and be the woman she was meant to be. It seemed no one stuck in Gibbs shadow was allowed to grow.

Funny that Tim got to play the dynamic character in this play, he had grown from an insecure, stuttering agent, easily intimated to very capable agent – no, a really excellent agent. With not so gentle pushes his probie had been given a change to grow on his own.

There could only be one end to this story now, he had to leave, to create a path that would allow him to grow. He did not know what that path would be yet but he needed to find out who he was again, to find his own way, he had been following for so long, that he had lost his way.

He was scared, incredibly sad, but for the first time in years he felt excitement building. He felt a bit of the ambitious young man he had been re-emerge.

The apartment behind him was empty, he had sold or given away everything expect his piano that was now in storage. At last, he was able to say good-bye to Kate and Ziva, the goldfish in the safe hands of the little girl down the hall. They would be loved and cared for, for however long goldfish live.

 Picking up his cap, he turned to look at the man standing silently behind him.

 “These are all yours,” he said as he pointed to his gun and badge.

 Gibbs just nodded and stood silently.

 With heart pounding and eyes filled with unshed tears he walked past the still man. They had stopped talking years ago but he hoped to hear more the derision from the other man. There was a time that they would communicate with a look and a nod, but this was not one of those times, walking slowly to the door he prayed for a sign, a sign that he had once meant something to this man, that the last 15 years had not been a waste, that somewhere down deep this man still cared about him.

 

“Tony,” hearing his name he turned.

 

“Tony, I’m so sorry, you deserved so much more, I broke my own rules, I wasted what was good and I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s too late for that now,” he felt his anger built, he had so much he wanted to say, he wanted to get in this man’s face and yell, scream for all the injustices done, for the depth of pain he was feeling, he wanted this man to hurt too, but it was too late and he would not play the game and throw the hurt back. Over the years he had built up so much anger and resentment he was not sure could stop once he started.

 

“It maybe too late, but you need to know that you are the best I have ever worked with, the best agent I know.”

 

“You didn’t treat me like I was.”

 

“No, no I did’t.”

 

“Why tell me now?”

 

“I don’t want you to go thinking this was your fault.”

 

“Funny Gibbs, but I don’t, the only mistake I made was believing in you, becoming your loyal St Bernard. It is my fault I let you pile all your shit on me,” anger slipping in to his voice. “It’s over, nothing left, you got what you wanted - I’m gone.”

 

“I never wanted you gone.”

 

“Funny way of showing it.”

 

“Remember 2nd B is for bastard.”

 

“Fuck you Gibbs, your fucking ego couldn’t take me doing well, might show up the mighty Gibbs, I played along, played my part. I sold my soul to the devil to stay with you. Can’t do it anymore. You asked me once what I wanted and it’s not this. I can’t be your whipping boy anymore.”

 

“Was it really that bad?”

 

“How can your really ask, are you that clueless? I tried to talk to you, have tried for a longtime and you just shut me out, pushed me further aside. You have the balls to ask if it was that bad! You haven’t really talked to me in over a year, you treat me worse than a probie and now you show up.”

 

“Tony, I didn’t come over to fight.”

 

“Why did you come?”

 

“Couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye, I want to try to fix this.”

 

“Fix what, there is nothing left to fix! I’m not Fornell or Mike Franks, I can’t forgive you, I don’t forgive you,” Turning he headed back to the door. A hand on his arm pulled him back, into an embrace. He could have pull back, but for a moment it felt good to be held.

 

“Tony,” Gibbs whispered into his ear, “God, I’m going to miss you. I lov….”

 

Pushing Gibbs away forcefully, Tony yelled, “Stop, Stop you don’t get to say those words!” Tony pushed again, backing Gibbs against the wall. “After 15 years, after treating me like shit, pushing me away, you have no right!”

 

Tony felt himself shaking, shaking with anger and pain, “Once, I would have done anything to hear you say that, once I would have said it back, but Not Now! I was dying in your mighty shadow. You never really cared about me. It was a boost to your ego to have your loyal St. Bernard follow you around.”

 

“Tony, I care, I care.”

 

“Ya, right. You don’t care about me, you only care that I found the balls to walk away.”

 

“Tony I do care, I’ve always cared about you, I don’t know why I pushed you away, why…”

 

“Stop it Gibbs, just stop. I’m not doing this with you now. Don’t you get it, I’m done, its over, we danced around each other for years until you turned your back on me. You – Me it never happened, can never happen now.”

 

Tony watched as Gibbs slumped back against the wall, “I never meant for this to end this way Tony.”

 

“How did you think it would end, you realize you’ve called me Tony more in the last five minutes then in the last five years.”

 

“Yeah, and you stopped call me Boss.”

 

“Not my boss anymore.”

 

“No, no I’m not, you going to keep in touch?”

 

“With you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What do you think?”

 

“I think that once you walk out that door, I’ll never hear from you again.”

 

“You, NCIS, this,” Tony said waving his hand at the empty apartment. “This is my past, now I need to look forward, need a life under the sun, you cast a wide shadow.”

 

“For what it’s worth, I really do care about you. I hope you find what your looking for and I really will miss you.”

 

“I’ve missed you for years, Gibbs.”

 

Heading out the door, Tony headed down to the waiting car, Jimmy his one real friend at NCIS would drive him to the airport, maybe someday he would come back, maybe someday he would find it in him to forgive, but right now he had a plane to catch and a warm Hawaii beach waiting for him. Opening the car door, he looked back to see Gibbs standing on the sidewalk, taking his NCIS cap, he flung it like a Frisbee.

 

Watching the car pull away, Gibbs held Tony’s cap tight, he had pushed the best person in his life away and it was to late to make amends.

 

Not looking back Tony leaned back in the seat, he smiled to himself, his life was once again his own. He was finally out of the shadows, the sun felt warm on his face.

 

 2/7/2016

 

 

 

 


End file.
